It has been 2 weeks since I have returned. My last few nights in New York had been rather tumultuous: I missed three trains from New Haven to Grand Central Station, laboured hard to get more than 100 kilos of baggage from New Haven to my friend’s vacant penthouse in Chelsea, and then, on the night before I left – lost my newly bought Macbook Air. I had wanted to conjure feelings of loss (of freedom to celebrate myself and all things unorthodox); rather, my mind was clouded by remorse over the loss of US$1749. It was an indescribably painful farewell/
Christian contacted me on Gaydar. When I saw his age I didn’t think much of him. Just another naive and amateur boy. But he appeared different – his intellect and maturity were far beyond his age of 17, and he was set for major success in the world of opera. He taught me to appreciate the art of opera, and he sang for me in one of the practice rooms in the Manhattan School of Music, his alma mater. For the first time I did not cringe when a date sang to me. I was mesmerised. My head was in the clouds, and I wished that moment would last, and that I would not have had to leave.
Days after I reached Singapore, cracks started to surface. Christian is 17. I am 24. He had quite the sheltered life. And I was brought up in an abusive and dysfunctional setting. He was eager for love, always showing affection but always wanting me to affirm my love for him. But there was no ‘love’ yet. We barely knew each other. And in a few days I grew annoyed at his persistent distrust or doubtful language.
And we parted ways.
And I realised how much his immaturity resembled my own. How unforgiving I was. How unfair I had been.//
I was excited to return home. I had missed Mom and good Asian food, and I could not wait to return to my job as a filial son. Surely I fitted back into my role as a good, hardworking, and ambitious son. I have also, unfortunately and cowardly, withdrawn into my closet. Yes, I have come out to 5-8 close friends of mine over the past two weeks. I have also come out to my British cousin and aunt. Great progress, objectively speaking – but I cannot help but feel engulfed in a conservatism and narrow-mindedness that have sucked out the excitement that I had felt in Turkey or the United States (even in Turkey I was openly gay).
And now I return to a life of bachelor, so eager to love and be loved, but so jaded by the cruel realities of Orientialism and the gay community here.//
Allow me to elaborate in the following post. It is now 1.02AM, and in 5 hours I have to be awake.
It is going to be another week of work, lessons, obsession with weight loss, and feelings of inadequacy.///